Closing Time…

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”  -Seneca

For my first, ever, personal blog post, I thought I’d let myself be inspired by Semisonic’s song, Closing Time. They, of course, quoted Seneca, the Roman Philosopher who had much correspondence with the Apostle Paul. Since it’s finally 2010, I thought I’d evaluate 2009 and give myself some sort of closure.

Last year, 2009, was such a conflicted year for me. In some instances I can herald it as being one of my most successful years, professionally speaking. In other instances, it’s the worst year I’ve ever had to endure.

In the beginning of the year, I was solely focused on evaluating the first 9 months of my ministry at the church I was serving. I began full-time work as the youth director in April, 2008. Since the church I served consisted of over 1,800 congregants, much of the first year served as a learning year. I came out of the gates in 2009 with renewed vigor. I had observed and learned a lot; mainly, I learned that the program needed a new structure and a vision.

In the spring of 2009, I had a plan. With a lot of prayer and discernment, I formed a team of stellar individuals who complimented the team by possessing strengths in the areas I was weak. The small group worked together to establish our vision, re-structured the program, de-compartmentalized the many areas of the youth ministry that existed, and began work growing our volunteer base. The endeavor was a huge success. Don’t get me wrong. Of course there were areas that could use improvement. We didn’t “arrive,” but there were MANY improvements. Through the new structure, all areas of ministry were covered with truly-called leaders (as opposed to obligatory ones), I was being supported, leaders were equipped and informed, and best of all, kids were being championed and showing up more regularly. In addition, I learned a lot about myself. Because of the experiences I had in 2008, I began recognizing and improving upon my areas of weakness.

Due to the new formatting, our task force had a lot to do to prepare for the roll-out of the new face of youth ministry at the church. Much of my summer consisted of planning, recruiting, and advertising the new format. Of course, the usual summer Bible study, mission trip, Creation Festival, and the scattered pool party went on without a hitch while all the behind-the-scenes planning was taking place for the roll out of the new structure. It was rather strenuous and time-consuming.

The first phase of the roll out was to get the youth buy-in. We recognized that they had to own it and be a part of the organization, or it wouldn’t work. I was rather impressed by how quickly the students and their parents got on board with the plan. When the summer was over, most of our i’s were dotted, and our t’s were crossed.

Who knew that in the mean time, disaster was right around the corner.

Despite the great camaraderie our adult leadership team was enjoying, despite the fact that our attendance was more consistent, despite the fact that no balls were being dropped, despite the fact that parents were proactively complimentary with the way things were going, despite the fact that the students who weren’t involved before the revamping and the students that never went away in the first place were thrilled with the way things were going, despite the fact that the students were growing in their faith and excited about learning more about God, I was subjected to criticism. Of course I was…who isn’t?

Criticism. Something I’ve always encouraged. Objective criticism is something I actually welcome. For how can one truly grow as an individual or leader without learning ways to improve him or herself? I’ve always said (and claimed often to many on my leadership team) that failure is just an opportunity to learn and grow. I was always very transparent about my weaknesses and even worked with people to help myself overcome my challenges. And I must say that I was fortunate to have a few people who really challenged me, personally; they raised the bar of success. And I was hurtling that bar.

Unfortunately, though, not all people can handle criticism objectively. More unfortunate for me was the fact that I wasn’t afforded the luxury to make mistakes. Rather, the pastors I was working with clearly expected me to be perfect (and expected my four other predecessors in the span of 6 and a half years to be perfect, too).

I was criticized for making a decision (amongst a few other fluffy concerns with no bearing or merit) that involved allowing two teenage senior high girls while on our mission trip to work at a home of an old parishioner of our host church by doing light gardening without an adult chaperone. Now, I can fully understand why the parents’ of the girls could criticize me and have an issue with my judgement call. Had I been given the opportunity, I would’ve expressed my sincere apologies and communicated the fact that if I was ever faced with making a decision like that again, I would never allow any  youth to go anywhere without an adult present. The problem? I was never given that chance. In fact, the senior pastor never required the concerned parents to even talk to me about the matter at all. When I expressed my wish to speak with the parents, I was told that they don’t want to talk to me. What happened to Matthew 18? Triangulation was ruling in this situation.

What I needed was to have the opportunity to apologize and be forgiven. I didn’t get that chance. The funny thing is that, because a few people complained about me, over 100 youth and their families suffered…AGAIN. All because the pastors couldn’t shepherd a small portion of their flock who overreacted and became irrational. The proverbial shepherd’s hook is meant for correction. The pastors should have lovingly used that hook by expecting those parents to talk with me and the pastors together. This could’ve been resolved. The pastors chose to resolve by neglecting our Biblical model.

Because of the realization that I’d never be truly supported (gosh, if a youth were to have an accident under my supervision, I’d be crucified), I was forced to resign. Well, actually, I was fired, then un-fired after the personnel committee said they didn’t want me to leave. I had to make the decision. And it wasn’t an easy one since I loved my job and the youth and the families I served.

Oh, I forgot to mention that a week and half before all this went down, my grandmother (mom’s mom), to whom I was very close, unexpectedly died. Then, six weeks later to the day, my grandfather (dad’s dad) unexpectedly died.

So, though I’ve had some reasons to celebrate, I’ve had much reason to be sour. However, through all of this, I’ve remained faithful that God is with me. Ironically, because my tenure with the church I was serving came to an end, I’m free to focus on being a better wife and mother. I’m free to finally worship with my family more regularly (since Mike, my husband, was serving at a different church, we had to share the kids on Sundays and only worship together once every blue moon).

It’s closing time. And though I’m happy to put 2009 behind me, I can’t forget what I’ve learned. I’m thankful for the blessings that the church I served at bestowed upon me. I learned so much about myself and others. I had amazing opportunities to serve God. I also have the privilege of celebrating the life of my grandparents who had such a positive impact on my life.

And now it’s time for a new beginning. A chance to live a better life for God. A chance to serve God through being a better wife. A chance to serve God by being a better mom. A chance to serve God through possibly helping to create supplemental, contemplative worship experiences at my home church. A chance to seek opportunities to provide a humble income by serving God and my neighbors. What does that mean? I have no clue yet. One thing I’m positive of is God’s love for me and His wish that I serve Him in all that I am and all that I do.

Looking ahead, I’m uncertain of what God has in store for me, but I’m positive that it’s something big.

Here’s to a new beginning…

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